Lethargy
by edmelon
Summary: Ikuto is tired. Always tired. And he doesn't know when it will end. One-shot. Another good old angsty drabble.


_A/N_ : There may come a day when I stop writing pointless drabbles. But it is not this day.

I just really, _really_ needed to write something today. I need to get back into practice. I feel lost without it and even after all this time Ikuto is still basically my biggest muse so ? Here we are I guess?

* * *

Ikuto was tired.

He was slacking again. No doubt the Director would find out. Yet he couldn't bring himself to care. He dragged his eyelids open, lazily sprawled out on a high rooftop, on an island in a sea of city skyscrapers. The sun was finally starting to shine again after the long winter months, but it's rays were feeble and weak. They failed to touch the earth, their heat lost in the chill breeze. There was no warmth... no comfort. The world above seemed far away; the sun further out of reach than usual, veiled by some invisible force, trapped. Or was it he that was trapped? Perhaps they were both trapped. Ikuto didn't know, his mind was a mess. He exhaled loudly and propped himself up with his elbows, his body groaning in protest. He sighed again and it seemed to take all the breath from his body. He was too tired for this.

Fatigue gnawed at him; in his bones, at his mind, in his chest... He'd even slept in an actual bed last night. He'd snuck back into his home (he almost laughed to himself - _"home")_ at around eleven and had found the place entirely deserted. His stepfather was working through the night and his mother had spent the last three nights under observation at the local hospital. It still amazed him that she still made his bed for him even though she knew he wouldn't be coming home. The soft sheets had been the greatest comfort he'd felt in months - smelling like the perfume his mother had worn when he was six and fresh like the air in spring and for a long while he'd been able to kid himself that everything was as it should be in the world as he drifted off into a dreamless sleep...

But still it wasn't enough. The world would snap him up as soon as he awoke. There was no state of blissful, untroubled half-consciousness - no gentle transition between rest and reality. As soon as his eyes drifted open he was wide awake and a teenager again instead of the naive little boy that had once lived in this room. It was like being doused in cold water - sudden and harsh - and then the air was heavy and the tension thick. Hauling himself up, Ikuto had made the bed as if he'd never slept in it and snuck out of the window like a shadow, his legs still heavy and his mind still numb.

He'd been crashed out on this rooftop for God knows how many hours now. He'd had three naps already that morning. He had even resorted to downing some of that nasty coffee that his stepfather liked. He probably wouldn't be able to feel his tongue for the rest of the week and yet Ikuto still felt like he was stumbling through a thick fog, just looking for respite. He had brief releases, he thought, when he chara changed with Yoru, but those were the only times he felt energised anymore - like there was still life flowing through his veins yet. He would do it all day if he could, but he didn't quite fancy behaving like a feline on catnip in public. But the moment the magic wore off, when his tail disappeared and his ears shrunk back down to their normal size, the buzz faded and, once again, life was tiring.

Work was tiring. Chasing after stranger's eggs; stalking the city for his stepfather; taunting his little brother; watching the light die in another lost child's eyes as their heart's egg was torn from their chest and shattered into dust. Kazuomi was tired of him. The guards at Easter were tired of him. So were Tadase and Mizue. Utau was both tired and _tiring_ herself. She thought he was just being lazy when she came across him on another rooftop or in the branch of a tree, soaking in the midday sun. But no, Ikuto wasn't tired like that.

Weary. Exhausted. Lerthargic. Something more like that, he supposed. It wasn't the need for sleep, though he did truly love that sweet escape - being able to close his eyes and drift away and leave the world, even if only for a few minutes. No, he wasn't sleep deprived. He felt drained and numb and empty; he felt like he was encased, closed off from the rest of the world, unable to join them.

He'd lost the will to feel anything more than that a long time ago.

He didn't even try to fight it half as much as he used to. Why bother, he thought. Why? Why when nothing more loomed on the horizon other than years of toil, of work under Easter, of more metres of chain coiling around his body like a constrictor, grounding him, tightening in his chest, anchoring him to the darkness that haunted his reality. There was no light. No ray of sunshine through those shadows. No escape, no hope of salvation. There was nothing. Hope had become tiring. It was something other people got to enjoy, to live on, but not him. It felt so far out of reach, so futile...

So why bother?

Why torture himself more, he thought as he sank back down onto the stone, feeling as though he was once again giving in, submerging himself in that murky void of despair.

When would it stop?

 _Why_ didn't it stop?

The tiny part of him that Yoru must have come from, that hadn't yet been wholly engulfed and still clung on for dear life, screamed in protest, yelling words of encouragement;

 _"Don't be like that, Ikuto, nya!" "We'll get em back one day, that's for sure!" "We're gonna show em what for, nya~! Trust me - I promise!"_

Over his shoulder, the little catlike chara was chasing a bumblebee and screaming words of abuse at it as it evaded his capture.

Ikuto didn't know how Yoru remained so bright when his soul was so heavy.

"Nya, Ikuto!" Yoru piped up, letting the poor bumblebee escape through his big, clumsy paws one last time and floating over. He grinned a cheerful grin warmer than the weak sun shining overhead. _"Ikuto!_ Wanna play?"

Ikuto thought he felt a little bit of that warmth touch his desperate heart.

"Come on, come _on, nya!_ Play with me! Play with me, Ikuto, nya! It's been too long!"

Thank God that Yoru was still there, he thought, that little piece of him that still kept going strong. No matter how dark his thoughts had become, at the very least Yoru was proof that his soul wasn't quite through with yet.

Overhead, Ikuto swore the sunshine pierced through a little brighter, swore his body suddenly felt a little warmer. He heaved himself up to his feet and let his chara take charge. His heart skipped a beat as he felt the magic take over, felt the ears spring out of his head. It was hard to explain, difficult to describe, but in the simplest terms it felt like a jolt. It was a sudden surge of energy, something that shot through his body all the way down to the tips of his toes and for the briefest moment, it made him feel like he could do anything.

Perhaps, he thought in that briefest of seconds, that with Yoru still here beside him he might be able to find his way through the dark after all.

"Ikuto, nya, _catch me if you can!"_

What would he have done without Yoru?

Maybe he'd thank his chara later, he decided. But for now, flying across the city was the freest he'd felt in a long time.


End file.
